Pilot – Liza on Demand (Ep 1)

Pilot – Liza on Demand (Ep 1)


(upbeat music) – Let’s meet at the Grove
after my DJ class. Emma and Lila are meeting
there too. Which one should I ask
to snap me a nude? Yeah… You should see this piece of
shit Uber my mom put me in.
I mean, it’s an “X”. It’s so disgusting! What’s her (bleep) problem, and
she won’t buy me those Yeezys! Oh, I could ask my dad
for those Yeezys. Yeah, yeah,
I’m gonna do that. (tires squealing) (brakes squeaking) – Okay! Here we are.
You have a great day! – What? My stop was a full
block that way. – Oh. Yeah, you know… There was a ton of dog poop
back there. And I couldn’t help but overhear that you are a young fella
that cares a lot about
his designer footwear, so… (snapping fingers)
You’re welcome! – What? What are you even
talking about? You’re getting one star. – Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait. Okay, listen. There was no poop. But there was a traffic cop,
and it seems I have a… substantial number
of unpaid parking tickets, and I didn’t want
to get caught so I lied. Look, I am genuinely sorry. I hope this won’t affect
my rating. – No, (bleep) that. My mom paid
for me to get dropped off
exactly where I want. Not a whole block out of
the way because some bitch is
too dumb to pay her tickets. One star. – Okay. That’s how you wanna play? Guess you’re forgetting
I get to rate you, too. That’s right, you potty-mouthed
little brat. You get to explain
to your mom why her rating
suddenly dropped so low, she couldn’t get picked up
if she had a handle and “Gucci”
stamped on her ass. I also deliver food
for Postmates and
groceries for Instacart. I am gig economy or die, kid,
all day. And guess who’s gonna have
to run errands with Mommy then? Yeah. That’s right. Your mom’s gonna tell you
to put down the phone
and talk to her. Tell you about her day. So unless you want me
to tank her rating with every on-demand
service you have, you best move your finger
over to the five-star button. And I will do the same. – You go first. – Does it look
like I was born yesterday? Same time,
or I blow your world up. One. – Two.
– Two. – Three.
(phones chiming) You have a great day! Little asshole. (theme music) (Harlow): Okay guys, I have
an announcement to make. Sorry, actually,
we have an announcement. Bark-Paul Gosselaar
has a meeting at Nike, and… He got his first shoe deal! (Harlow laughing)
– So, is it shoes for the dog? Or is it shoes for people with
the picture of the dog on them? – I think dog shoes
would be cuter. – Me too.
I vote for little doggy shoes. – No, I don’t know.
Yeah, um… I’m flying out to Portland
for the meeting,
and I’ll find out then. But guys, Bark-Paul has
literally crossed a million
followers on Instagram. You realize that changes
everything, right? I mean, like… endorsement
deals, his own makeup line. There is literally nothing
standing in the way of this dog
getting his own reality show. – Wait, are you moving out? Are you gonna buy
your own place? Because
if you need a realtor– (Harlow): No, no, no, no.
– Okay. – I just, I think that
with all the travelling, and his
appearances and photo shoots, I just think it’s easier for me
to keep my place here. (phone chiming)
My driver’s here. Liza, I’m gonna need you to
promise me that you’re not gonna
AirBnB my room while I’m away. – What? I would never.
(Harlow): I know you’ve already
done it twice. – Ooh, that.. Yeah. – Thanks, guys!
Love you! – Bye!
– Bye! Love you! Wow, a shoe deal. And I’ve been thinking
about selling my eggs
to pay for this month’s rent. – Oh, honey. Nobody’s
buying brown eggs. You think this is
a Farmer’s Market? Liza, you can’t keep living
this way! – I know! Okay, but how do you think
this makes me feel? I mean, living with you two? God, I need to figure out
my life. – First figure out
how to use liquid eyeliner. – Okay, one goes up,
and one goes down. There’s no way I cannot look
cockeyed. I mean it. God, I’m so busy
working my ass off
doing all these random gigs. I’m all side hustle
and no main hustle! – Or, that’s just an excuse
you use, so you don’t have
to commit to anything. – What? No, I’m fully committed.
– Sure. The way you were fully
committed to putting up
your picture wall? Or putting that IKEA table
together. You just had
to put four legs on. – Okay, I would finish stuff,
but I’m so busy with all
my gigging jobs, that I… Oh, I do use that as an excuse.
Damn. – Liza, we have a sign on
our office fridge, right next
to the one that says, “Don’t (bleep) eat
Denise’s yogurt”. It says “Procrastinate now,
panic later”. If you want
to find your thing, stop procrastinating,
start doing. – You’re right,
I’ll pay my parking tickets. – Pay your parking tickets.
(phone chiming) – Oh, God, yes.
Just got a TaskIt job. – Kathy Griffin’s ghost!
– Damn it! I’m sorry. You’re right, you’re right.
I’m paying my tickets. – No. It’s here. Look.
The Cupcaken. – The Cupcaken? – Yes! It’s a cupcake,
baked inside of a cupcake, baked inside
yet another cupcake. This chef from New York is doing
a pop-up for one day only today! Screw your parking tickets,
we’re getting a Cupcaken. – Oh, hell yeah!
Wait a second. Are you just saying that
so I won’t finish my tickets
and you can be right? – No. I wish I thought of that.
But no. You know I do not mess around
when it comes
to exclusive dessert drops. Okay, I’m gonna show this house
at ten. Do your TaskIt.
Meet me at noon. – Okay. – Cupcaken!
– Cupcaken! – Cupcaken!
– Cupcaken! – Clean that shit.
– Sorry. (cat meowing)
You… want me to…? – Euthanize my cat, please. – You want me to kill your cat?
(meowing) – Yes. Here’s the address
for the vet. Just take him inside,
bring him to the front desk, I already called in my credit
card information and told them
to dispose of the ashes. – He doesn’t even look sick. – He has cancer.
(meowing) I’m sorry, are you honestly
questioning whether or not my cat should be able
to end his life with dignity? Your app says
“Any job, any time”, so if that’s a problem,
just let me know, okay?
– No, no, no. – Is that a problem, to have
dignity at the end?!
– I’m so sorry. I… Of course, I’ll do it.
I’ll kill him. (meowing)
– I’m sorry, I don’t mean
to take this out on you, I’m just so stressed! I mean,
I’ve had him since he was
a tiny little kitten! He used to eat my socks.
And my toothbrush. And my ten-inch
anatomically correct… (meowing) …sweater. – I will… deliver him
with dignity. – You are so lovely. I guess I’ll just…
say my final goodbye.
I can’t, I can’t. I can’t look at his little face. Oh my God, you’re gonna
kill my cat… (Bleep) you, thank you for doing
this, bye! (Bleep) you!
(meowing) (phone chiming)
– Facetime Oliver. (phone ringing) – Oh my God!
You’re still sitting there! Do you realize how long
you’ve been sitting there? This man is paying you
to kill his cat! Now go inside
and kill his cat! It’s sick… Quality of life issue. Check out the spa
in the back! God, okay look, I have a house
full of people here. You need to stop calling me. – Okay, but–
– No. No buts. Remember, this is what
we talked about.
Finish the job! Finish the cat! And then meet me
for the Cupcaken. – Okay. Okay.
– Mm-hmm. So, uh… This is awkward.
(purring) Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Dude, that’s my hair band,
you can’t eat that. You really just swallowed that
whole thing, that can’t be good. (phone chiming) “Holly is requesting a Tasker
in Sherman Oaks.” Ooh! I should really take
that, I’m pretty close. (meowing)
Guess who just got
their tenth life? (chuckling)
You! Wow, your home is
really beautiful. – Oh, thank you,
I use that app Sparkle. They send the best
people to clean the house, you would never know
I have three boys
pissing on everything. Oh, hold up for a second, I have to send money
to the Instacart shopper, and then Mohat
lunch money. – Oh, I do Instacart!
– Isn’t it the best? I mean, you can get everything
done from your phone! – Oh, I meant, I, um…
shop for Instacart. – That’s adorable.
(chuckling) Okay, so, my son Xander has
to put together a jigsaw puzzle
for school tomorrow, and he has Mandarin at three, and coding class and beekeeping
and mock-playground, and I’m paying 30 grand
for school to do puzzles?! Puzzles?! (Liza scoffing)
– What the hell
were they thinking?! That’s the real puzzle. – Exactly. So, priorities. What’s a better use of Xander’s
time? Not doing puzzles. – Well bang, bang!
(Liza chuckling) – Okay.
So, I have to go back to the
office, so you finish this. If you’re done before I come
home, you just let yourself out, help yourself to anything
in the kitchen. – Thanks. Puzzle me! – It’s right there. – I mean, I’ll just…
I’ll take that. – Okay.
– I’ll get it myself. (meowing) (upbeat music)
Alright. Oh, would you like a drink?
Yes, don’t mind if I do. (meowing) What? She said I could take anything
from the kitchen. (meowing)
Don’t be an asshole, Julius. Okay, there we go. Almost done. Reward! (meowing) (phone buzzing) Hey! – I’m closing up the house,
are you ready? – I need about like 15 minutes,
but I think I’m closer than you,
so… (meowing) – Are you (bleep) kidding me?!
– Gotta finish this puzzle! Great thinkers in science!
– You still have the cat! – No I don’t!
(meowing)
– I can hear it, Liza! Hello? He–
(dial tone beeping)
Okay. – Boom. Carl Sagan here, boom! Ah, Bill Nye the Science Guy. The rest of these are
Neil deGrasse Tyson. Boom, Neil deGrasse Tyson’s
pants! We are… Where’s the last piece? (meowing)
That’s Neil’s dick! I can’t leave Neil deGrasse
Tyson without a dick! Where’s the last piece?! You ate Neil deGrasse Tyson’s
dick, you dick. (Liza): Cupcaken! (Oliver gasping)
– Cupcaken! (laughing) (meowing) Procrastinate now, panic later. – I’m gonna do it.
– Mm-hmm. Get that pussy out of my face.
That’s what I said
on prom night. – Hey, good spot in line! – Check out Motorcycle Helmet. We’ve been eyeing each other
for the last 15 minutes. Maybe after this
I’ll make a man-caken. – Great. You’re falling in love and I’m waiting for a cat
to poop out
Neil deGrasse Tyson’s dick. – Okay, I don’t know
what you’re talking about,
but you’re not helping. (singing)
(Oliver): Cup…! (Liza): …cake…!
(Both): …en!
(meowing) – You can’t come in here
with that cat, health code. – No I… I can’t leave it.
It’s dying. – Not fast enough.
– No animals, you have to leave. – What about that duck?!
(quacking) – That is a registered therapy
animal, do you have paperwork? – Yes. No. Fine. I’ll be right back.
Hold my place.
– Uh, no holding places in line. – Okay, get me a triple
chocolate.
– Uh, one per customer. – Oh, my God! You’ve got rules
wrapped in rules wrapped
in more rules, it’s like a– (all): Rule-caken! – Oh, tur-duck all of you! (meowing) He’ll be okay under there,
right? – What’s the difference?! – Right… You’re right. Okay. Cupcaken! – Cupcaken. – Okay! Those were
the last ones, sorry people,
we are sold out! – No!
– No, you can’t be out! – That Postmates guy just left
with the last dozen. – Dozen?!
You said one per customer! – For people in line. Postmates
was running a special, order up to a dozen or
something, I don’t know. – Wait! Don’t you work
for Postmates? – Yes. Yes!
I work for Postmates! – I work for Postmates!
– She works for Postmates! – Really? That’s cool,
we’re still out, though. – Oliver, I’m sorry. – Sorry isn’t gonna fill my
mouth with delicious
nesting cupcakes. – Hey, well maybe you can share
one with Motorcycle Helmet
still? Huh? – Okay. Great. Now I’m not gonna be able
to fill my mouth up with him
either. (Liza): Sorry.
– Damn it! Liza! You know I’m not attracted
to anyone who doesn’t look
like Jamaican Ed Sheeran. (sighing)
This could have been a really
meaningful departure for me. Now I’m gonna have to show
back up at that open house with no cupcake and no hot man
to hook up with
in one of the extra bedrooms. – Oliver?
(Oliver): I’m gonna get
a rotisserie chicken and eat it on the third level
of the parking lot. No one ever checks there. And
then I’m gonna call my mom– – Oliver!
– What?! – The cat’s gone! (gasping) – This is that
“panic later” moment
I was telling you about earlier. (Olivier sighing)
– Pussy! Pussy, pussy.
– Did you leave it unzipped? – No! I mean, maybe
he unzipped it from the inside? – Right, he got tired of waiting
for you to put him out
of his misery, and right now
he’s on a plane to Mexico! Cats love tacos.
– I’m a failure. I had two things to do today. Two things:
the cat and the puzzle, and I couldn’t do
either of them. I mean it’s no wonder all of my
friends are enormous successes,
and I’m a total failure. I’m never going to find
my thing, because I’m literally
not good at anything. – Well I wouldn’t say…
I’m an enormous success, I’m definitely
a rising talent, that’s true.
(phone buzzing) (woman): Hello? Is this
the TaskIt woman
who took my Julius? – Um…
– Julius, my cat! – Your cat?
– Yes! My asshole roommate called
you, he wanted to get rid
of my Julius. (roommate): Oh my God,
that cat is a terrorist. – So move out, Lyle! – You move, Shelly, I can bike
to work from here! (Shelly): Please tell me
you didn’t kill him, there’s nothing
wrong with him! – There’s nothing wrong
with him?
There’s nothing wrong with him! (whispering):
I don’t care. – Where is he? – Uh… (Shelly): What? What is it? You know Julius is chipped, I
can see exactly where you are. – Oh, you can? And where exactly is he?
I mean, am I? – Second and Spring. – Really? Yes, I see him! I mean…
He’s right here with me. Um, I will… bring him
right back. Come here!
– Hold on Liza. Liza, wait! (meowing) (Liza): Hey. Hey! Excuse me!
Sir?! – Stay there. – Uh, what are you doing
with that cat? – I’m rescuing it. Obviously. – No, that’s somebody’s cat,
you can’t just take it! – Well, that “someone” didn’t
seem to care about him at all. Left him under a bench, like a
discarded newspaper, or… …a used condom! – Gross. Look, we only left it there
for like ten minutes. – I see. So it’s your cat. Well maybe you should have
thought about that before you neglected this
beautiful creature like a wilted flower or a…
…a used condom! – Okay, you really need
to expand your references. – Let me get this straight, you drive around looking for
cats to rescue like some sort of cat Batman?
Like Catman? – Yes. That’s exactly what I am. And your actions are
staunchly anti-feline. This cat clearly deserves
a better home,
I’m gonna make sure he gets it. – Oh no.
You’re not going anywhere. Look. To you,
this cat just may be a cat that I was supposed
to put to sleep. And didn’t. A cat that ate a piece of a
puzzle I was supposed to put
together. And didn’t. But I won’t dwell
on those tiny failures, okay? Because that cat is a promise. A promise to its owner that
I’m going to bring it back home
alive! So that is what I’m going to do. Because that is
what I’m good at! I’m… good at helping people. Helping them
get to where they need to go, or doing the things
they can’t do, or can’t handle
on their own! I am the glue that holds
everyone’s lives together. I am the promise of the future. And that future starts today! Today is the day I’m going
to finish what I started. Yeah. So, I’m not asking you. No, no, no. I’m telling you.
Give me the (bleep) cat! – Wait a second, hey! Wait, is he… Is he trying
to eat my earbuds? Let go of those,
you little asshole. Come here, give me that.
– Move! – Oh, you gotta be… Come on! Hey! – No! No! Run Liza! Run! So you’re not even gonna
chase her? – God, no. Do you know
how many stray cats
there are in this city? No. Catman does not do
running. – Come to mamma, baby! Oh! Sorry I was a little intense
on the phone earlier, I was just worried about
my wittle baby Orange Julius! You’re a monster, Lyle.
A monster! (Lyle): That cat is the monster,
he pissed on my records! Oh, and you are the worst Tasker
ever. I gave you a simple job, and you didn’t do it.
I’m not paying you. – Ignore him,
you did the right thing.
– Thanks. So, are you going
to pay me then? You know,
for bringing him back? – Oh, I’m not on TaskIt, I don’t
know how that would work. – Oh, well you can sign up!
It’s free!
– I get so many emails already. – Yeah. Hey, since I did bring
your cat back without, you know,
murdering it… Do you think maybe I could
hang out here for a little bit? – Aw, you got attached to him,
didn’t you?! Julius is awfully irresistible! (Lyle): Yeah,
like the Zika virus! – Eat a dick, Lyle!
(Lyle grunting) – You know, if I could hang out
here until little Julius… poops out a puzzle piece so
I can get paid on my other job? – What?
– What the (bleep)? – What kind of weird business
are you running? – Yeah, I think maybe
you should go. – No stars.
(Liza): You don’t even have
the app. – Negative stars!
(Liza): Damn it, you don’t–! – Oh, so Hunter’s sick? Okay, so… Right, only 11 kids. Yes, Postmates just dropped them
off so I’ll have someone drop
them off at the field by five. Okay, bye! (phone beeping)
Did I call you? – No. Yes, I mean, earlier
you called me, I did the puzzle. – Oh, right, right,
right, right! Yeah, so many people
coming in and out. – Anyway, I wanted to just come
and apologize and explain to you
why I wasn’t able to finish. – Are you kidding? It was perfect. Leaving the last piece out so Xander could finish it
himself, genius! Kids need a sense of
accomplishment these days. Huh? And, to leave the last piece
of Neil “deGrassi” Tyson. That’s his favourite scientist. So thoughtful,
I almost didn’t find it
underneath the wine glass. – Yes! Underneath the wine glass. I uh, definitely put it there
on purpose. Thought he could learn more
if he found it. You know,
like a treasure hunt, yo! – So clever… yo! Five stars! You know what, I know
I could tip you on the app, but you know, I’m gonna make
sure you get it in your pocket. – Are those Cupcakens? – Oh, yeah, I’m soccer
snack mom today, and the kids begged for these, and I saw ’em on Postmates,
so I just got them,
do you want one? – Are you serious?!
You’d give me one?! I could share with my roommate,
and that would seriously be the greatest thing that’s
happened to me all day! – It’s only a cupcake. – Inside a cupcake,
inside yet another cupcake! – I only bought them
’cause they were expensive. Yes. ♪ I got a Cupcaken! ♪ ♪ I am gonna eat it! ♪ No! No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! – You got seven unpaid tickets,
I gotta tow you. – I was literally about to pay
them all this morning! Look, if you only knew the day
that I’ve been having… I will go home and I will pay
them all right now! – You can pay parking tickets
on your phone. You can do anything
on your phone now. Is that a Cupcaken? – Uh… Yes? – I really wanted one of those. But I couldn’t leave work
to wait in line. – Did you… did you try…
Postmates? Here you go. – Oh, thank you.
Have you down in just a sec. – Seven tickets, paid in full. – Thank God. – Ooh, and…
I finished the table. And the photo wall.
Ooh! And, look at this! I got an
email from the people at TaskIt. I have enough five-star ratings
to apply for elite status! – Sounds fancy pants! – Mm-hmm, because it is. Elite Taskers get paid twice
as much per gig, and a 401k, and health insurance! I don’t even know
what a 401k is. – Nobody does. – Instead of stressing out
over all these different apps, I can just focus on one, and actually get something
out of it. I can make a career out of this. Side hustle will be
my main hustle. – I’m really proud of you. Tomorrow, I will march
into my office and (bleep) eat Denise’s
yogurt in your honor! – Oh my God, thank you! (door opening) (Harlow): Hey! – Oh, you’re back!
– Oh my God, what a day. We are so exhausted. I had to give Bark-Paul
half my Xanax ’cause he’s such
a nervous flyer. Oh and the shoes are
for people, not for dogs. They just have, kind of like
a little BPG on the side, which I don’t think is very
on brand, but Nike says the presales
are off the chart, so… Oh my God, and look at all
this free stuff I got! I got like Gatorade
you can snort. (Harlow chuckling) And a shirt from Kanye West’s
new exclusive line. Or, maybe that’s a dirty tarp. Oh my God, and the Cupcaken
people were there! But you know, Bark-Paul and I
are off sugar until
after his calendar shoot, so we didn’t take any. Let’s wash down that Xanax
with a rosé, huh! Love you guys. (sighing) – They didn’t take any.
They’re off sugar. – I know a Tasker we could call
to kill that dog. – Just gotta figure out a way to
make it look like an accident.
(phone chiming) But first… I have to pick up
a fur coat for Rihanna. – Oh my God,
are you kidding me?! – Yes. I actually have to help
somebody named Randy in
Echo Park organize his closet. But, once I’m elite…
You never know. – You do know “organize
his closet” is code for sell you into white slavery.
– Come on. I’m brown with no boobs. The most you could get for me
is like 50 bucks. – It’s so cute you think
you’re worth that much. – Girl’s gotta dream! (crashing) (Liza): I’ll fix it later!
– No you won’t! – No, I won’t. Suddenly dropped so low that
she couldn’t get handled. What? (laughing) No, I won’t. (banging)
Ow. (thumping) It’s okay, it was just an extra. (Oliver): Screw your parking
tickets, we’re getting a ca-caw…
We’re getting a Cupcaken! – Screw…
(laughing) – You’re staring at their privy
parts? Yeah. That’s right. (laughing) – Strong! – Ow! You’ve not worked out
in so long. – Cut! Oh! That first episode
was free and amazing!
There’s another one
for free?! That’s right. You guys
can go watch episode 2
of Liza on Demand for
free right now! (laughing)
Such a good show!